I like smoking giant cigars and downing bourbon. I eat steaks with spoons. If a child's ball happens to come into my yard I destroy it right away. I yell at my neighbors to shut the hell up when the mow the lawn on Saturday. I turn the hose on trick or treaters and people caroling! I grow my nose hair out and laugh in your face with coffee breath! I wear bathrobes to the convenience store and Kroger when I run out of cigarettes! I wear sunglasses at inappropriate times. I have fifteen televisions. I scratch myself. I'm smelly. I'm creepy. I'm sweaty. I'm Vaalmont!